The era of ironic mustaches?

Nothing turns me off more than an indie rocker in skinny jeans and an ironic mustache. I don't care if these kids compose the next Sgt. Pepper, looking like that I already hate you. It doesn't even make me feel old in the get-off-my-lawn kinda way. It just makes my blood boil! Do these people tour on fixed gear bikes? Someone should bring Lester Bangs back to life, we NEED him to call this out! Make it stop! I wouldn't be too worried that I am missing out on a Sgt. Pepper, Village Green (Kinks), You're Living All Over Me (Dinosaur Jr) every time I hear these bands it sounds like 20 religious kids get on a stage, with horns and mandolins, they sound even worse than Arcade Fire. I listened to NPR in the car on the way to work the other day and they were covering this years SXSW festival in Austin TX. The reporter told me the thing that seemed popular these days are big bands of 10 or more, exploding with joy onstage, sorta like Arcade...you get the idea. Here I am hoping this horrible era of music is coming to an end, and they are telling me on the radio that its just #%*^+^# starting! I need to go out less. Is rock not only dead, but also dug up, beaten and dressed like a drag queen?
If one record could cure this, which one would it be? What record should we choose when we strap these people to a chair? (clockwork orange style) Which one record should be played on repeat on weeks end to wash away their sins?